Thursday

We returned Sunday evening from our summer trip as a family. Definitely a blog-worthy adventure, with lots of pictures and anecdotes. But I'll save that for another day.

It's 8:30pm. And I'm feeling like today was a "good mom" day. I'm pretty terrible post-vacation. It feels like a super-sized Monday. I'm tired from the travel. I'm dragging my feet on being a single parent, cook, and housewife again. Consequently, I'm grumpy with little patience, my house is messy, and meals are 30% take-out. Even "Beach Day" had me seething even more than usual during the dreaded car-to-beach walk (where Beckett casually walks into the street: "What? You're in the street.") and the return (which includes prying them away from surf and friends). I did, however, enjoy the actual beach time and snapped this photo of Abigail and her bestie Caroline, so the yuckier bookends of the trip were worth it.

  

Well, finally, today, Thursday, I seem to have shaken free of the post-vaca blahs. Abigail woke up pretty early, which meant we snuggled and watched an HGTV show and then I went running. The boys spent the morning putting together puzzles and building an epic fort, using every chair, blanket, and pillow they could find (and that I allowed...ahem).

While they were happily occupied, I tackled the garage for an hour or so. Those last boxes are so hard to unpack! Plus, I have added more boxes due to my Grandma's house downsizing. One of the boxes had this photo:

Ah, Mama. I miss this face, that smile, her laugh. Always. I love this photo. It seems like she could emerge from it and make this fourteen-year-old empty spot in my heart full again. I will settle for feeling grateful to see her so happy and so healthy. It's how I want to remember her.

On a lighter note, I heard Hamilton's panicked cries and discovered this:

 Yep, trapped in a wetsuit, another treasure to emerge from the garage clean-up. He was less than thrilled about having his photo taken (he was truly crying--rare for him), but I promised it would be funny later. It's, obviously, hilarious right now...just not for him.

After lunch (crepes!), we met friends at a splash pad and Pinkberry...and called it "visiting teaching." Awesome plan I can take no credit for.

We also hit the library where Hamilton earned more prizes for all the reading he's been doing. Beckett refused to turn his paper in because he "does not like girls" and the prize-distributer was a girl. A little frustrating and confusing, as every girl I listed that we know he agreed that he likes. What? I guess I should be grateful and hope it lasts. His handsome face could get him in a lot of trouble when he's older.

After I put Abigail down for bed, I let the boys sit on my bed for bedtime stories. The simple act of reading aloud to them while they're snuggled up beside me is priceless. I know it won't last forever. Sometimes Hamilton chooses to read his books himself, which makes me proud and sad all at once. And knowing the fact of fleeting childhoods, I also agreed to a "lay down story" once I tucked them into bed.

Sometimes being a mom is so hard. And by "sometimes," I mean 90% of the time. Hard because it's lonely. Because it leaves less "me time." Because I'm short-tempered and they are fantastic at pushing buttons. Because it doesn't always feel valuable. Because I fail so often. Because it's overwhelming.

I'm so grateful for days like today. Nothing extraordinary. Just a day where I felt like I yelled less and let them have lots of "childhood" moments...and I let me breathe in those moments too. I will have "me time" sooner than I'd wish. I know this.

Whoa. An actual blog entry...

Hey there!

I was looking for an old blog post the other day and discovered lots of little treasures. How wonderful a blog can be! A catalog of memories and pictures. As well what was on my mind. I miss having that. I also miss having the habit of writing. I am currently taking a writing class and know getting back into this will help. PLUS, I keep track of my little fam.

Sooooo...here's a quick update...with some recent pics on my phone...

Here's me and my new do:

Yeah, I'm pretty awesome at selfies. Love them. ;) This was the end of a fantastic birthday. My friends watched my kids the WHOLE day, while I ran on the beach, spent 3 hours at the spa, got my hair cut and highlighted, and watched X-Men. And I thought it was going to be a BLAH day with Alex out of town. Hardly. I felt loved and cared for, which is exactly what I needed.

Here is my baby girl. Try not to squeal out at her cuteness.

Abigail is hilarious and stubborn and independent and sweet. Love her to bits and bits. I squeeze her and kiss those cheeks all day long. She is my slowest speaker, but she's been adding more words lately. If you just say "dinner" or "time to eat," she automatically folds her arms. The boys think it's hilarious. My favorite thing is that she holds her hand out for me to hold (on a walk, down the stairs, to take me to see something). My heart squeezes every time.

Beckett. He grinds his teeth any time he gets near her. He can barely take her cuteness. Of course, he is also guilty of hitting her on occasion and snatching her toys. They look so much alike, but Abbie is, personality-wise, a balance of the two. Even with some naughtiness (he waited until almost 4 to display it, not bad), Beckett remains my sweetie. He just finished his first season of any sport...t-ball! He loved it, even if he ran the bases like an old man.

Hamilton! He is three weeks away from finishing Kindergarten. This is a photo from our first "Open House." He's standing next to his art work.

 I also got to chaperone a field trip to see "Greg and Steve." I love seeing how many kids know him and are his friends. It killed me at the beginning of the year when he'd be saying "hi!" and get ignored. Now, he's usually the one spacing the greeting. He is still tough for me a lot of the time, but that's mostly my own impatience and short temper. He is generally eager to be my helper and bud. A truly good kid I need to be a better mom to. I will really miss him during full day kindergarten! Oh, and he also just completed his second season of Little League. He's got some talent and, even better, a love for the game.

Alex! Not pictured. He just returned from a long weekend backpacking with his dad and brothers. He's been working so hard this year, he really deserved the break. Plus, time with family as just a son and brother is so rare yet so important. Especially this year. One brother off to Texas for residency. One brother on the heels of a divorce. And always the absence of Alan. I hope the next trip isn't too far in the future.

Finally, a photo that just makes me laugh:

2013

Hellllooooo...anyone still out there?  It's 50/50 whether this will be my only post this year, but fingers crossed that isn't the case.

2013 was a fun year...our first one with our little lady.  Enjoy catching up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXIRPpTXuXA&feature=share

Right now...

Abigail is sitting on my lap wearing a flower onesie, swaddle blanket, and a pacie.  I frequently bend over to kiss her fuzzy head.

Piles of laundry occupy much of the upstairs (in various states--unwashed, washed, not yet folded, not yet put away).

My house is clean. *sigh* For only $100, I get to sigh like that.

The boys can barely breathe they are laughing so hard. They're wrestling on and tossing stuffed animals from the top bunk, which was preceded by cleaning up Lincoln Logs with socks over their hands. That is, apparently, so fun and awesome, it's worth dumping them to begin again.

I've decided they are too wild to put to bed. I'm simply going to enjoy their laughter and the fact they are "best brothers." Alex will be home eventually.

I haven't given up blogging. I just have three kids. I'm not sure where my time goes, but I wanted to steal a little now, so I can remember what my world is right now.  

The Arrival of Miss Abigail Fern Spjute

The day of December 19th began as expected...with Hamilton's adorable preschool Christmas party followed by a big playdate at a friend's house. It was really a lovely day. Alex had his work Christmas dinner that evening, so I put the boys down myself.  Beckett (as is common) requested, "Mommy, will you snuggle me in my bed?" And, with those big blue eyes, how could I say "no"? :) As I was lying in bed beside him, I felt what seemed like a contraction.

I should pause here to say that my due date was 12/31 and my scheduled c-section was for 12/27. I should also note that I was forbidden to give birth prior to 12/21, as Alex had an important hearing 12/20.  Ever lurking in the background, however, was the fact that Beckett came 2 weeks before his due date and 1 week before the scheduled c-section.  Now back to the contractions...

I'd been having some Braxton-Hicks contractions over the last weeks, so I dismissed it at first.  Who am I kidding? Just as with Beckett, I dismissed for quite awhile! How could I be going into labor? Am I going into labor?? I googled "Braxton-Hicks" vs. "real labor," and did some of the "tests." Hmmm...maybe I'd better pack a bag? So, I did. And cleaned the house a bit.  When they started getting more frequent and worse, I thought I'd better see when exactly Alex would be home.  When I called him, he said he was five minutes away. Whew.

He walked in around 10pm.

Me: "Hi, Honey. How was the dinner?"
Alex: "Good. [plus misc details I can no longer recall]."
Me: "Great. Um....so...."
Alex: (super sigh) "Are you in labor?"
Me: "Um, maybe? Wait...can't talk right now...this hurts...But it's probably nothing..."

I called my friend to watch the boys, and we were off.

At the hospital I got to enjoy super painful contractions 3 minutes apart while it was determined if I was in labor and if they'd do a c-section that evening.  Frankly, I was ready for an epidural soon after we arrived.  The nurse, though, kind of laughed when I asked about any pain medication available. It's just such a bummer to suffer labor when you know it's totally pointless. Of course, I've done this for 3 of the 3 kids.  :/  "Maybe we'll take you in at 2am?" It was 11:30, so plenty of misery ahead. 

Meanwhile, Alex was preparing for that "can't-miss" hearing by reading through a notebook, letting me hold his hand during contractions. Pretty sure my nurse thought he was a total jerk. :)  He did keep reassuring me (through my "this is totally unfair!!" comments) that she would be worth it.

She was and is. She was born at 1:45am December 20th.  There was a dreadful amount of tugging to get her out (weirdest feeling ever), but she was out eventually and crying like every healthy baby should.  When asked, "And what's her name," Alex and I were both, "Ummmm...."

Choosing her name was the hardest of all three children. I had always planned on naming my daughter Helen, after the woman my mom did her dissertation on.  But when the book came out, the jacket cover's author information was pretty upsetting to me, and the name was spoiled for me.  However, by my third trimester I'd lost the bitterness towards the name (if not the book jacket), and Helen was in the running once again.  I spent most of the 2 hours in the recovery room, stressing and praying and testing.  Eventually, it was clear she was in fact Abigail.  With or without the name Helen, she knows and I know that she is Lu Ann's granddaughter.

"Abigail" means a few different things: 1. It's the name of my first baby doll (a Madame Alexander and given to me by my mom who wanted my first doll to be perfect even though they were poor students), 2. My middle name is Gayle, and 3. My middle name comes from my maternal grandfather Earl Gale, a truly wonderful and sweet man, who passed away in May. His funeral was on my birthday, and I never got to tell him we were expecting. :(

Her middle name, Fern, is for my paternal grandmother, Chyral Fern, who has been a sweet and welcome maternal presence for me since my mom died.  My kids adore her.  Her house feels more like home than anyplace else.  I thought this would be a wonderful way to show her all that.  "Fern" was also the name of her mother.

Here are the two Ferns:

Now to march through the rest of the hospital pics...(I deleted every single one of me...hideous)...

Handsome, happy daddy (who after sleeping 2 hours made it to the hearing!)...

Beckett meeting her for the first time...

And Hamilton...

 

The boys have been like this ever since..."Where's the baby?" and "Can I hold the baby?" and "Let me see the baby."  Even over the phone they want to know where she is, if she's sleeping.  They are totally, crazy in love with her.  It's wonderful...and slightly obnoxious...but mostly perfect. 

  

After past experience with nursing, I opted to do formula from the beginning.  I wondered if I'd regret my decision...feel guilty, etc., but I didn't.  Instead, I enjoyed my time with her in the hospital more than with the boys.  I could just focus on bonding with her and recovering from surgery.  It was pretty wonderful. 

 

I just kept being amazed that we had this pink sign!

 The "brow furrow." It is a 100% Snyder trait.

Celebration dinner!

Her "going home" outfit. I'm still trying to figure out this bow business. Most of the time I feel like I'm cross-dressing my baby. :)

Isn't she lucky to have helpers back there with her? It is actually pretty nice, but the three of them back there is quite a crowd.

Well, there's her birth story...just in time for me to post about her "one month" milestone.

Gratitude: Part III

Ahhh...let's finish this thing...

15. That my boys have each other. I remarked to Alex that they are both better having each other. Love that they are such friends.

16. My amazing friends. I had a super lovely baby shower tonight.  Wonderful company, generous gifts, yummy food...all adding up to my being pretty lucky...and more sinking in of the idea of a little girl. Yikes!

17. Today was Karren's funeral. I'm grateful I knew her.

18. For the lesson I taught. I wasn't in any kind of mood for it (thanks to a couple "you're giant" comments from strangers the previous day), but because it forced me to stop thinking about myself. It also reminded me to recommit to daily prayer and scripture study.

19. That my boys LOVE Family Home Evening. LOVE. They "lead the music" in hilarious fashion and lately Hamilton is "teaching" the lesson.

20. Work is in full swing for our bathroom remodel. Exciting!

21. The magic of Disneyland snow. Alex got off work early, so we headed to Disneyland. It was a fun time together (including Beckett's first roller coaster ride!) and ended with the perfect magic of the "snow."

22. Mimi's Cafe that made all our Thanksgiving sides (hooray...no stress!), Alex for brining and bbq-ing an amazing turkey, and my mom's dinner roll recipe--I'm getting better at it!

23. Black Friday shopping with Alex. :)

24. Friends. I've been friends with Jen almost since I've moved here. So glad we're still friends...marriages and babies later :).

25. Christmastime! Decorated the house today (not without a little contention)...love seeing the decorations another year. I like the mix of old and new, mine and Alex's, ours, my mom's...We were sure to get things up early this year because I'm planning on taking everything down the 26th. Kind of depressing, but there's a newborn (and c-section) on the way the next day!

26. Preschool. I kinda missed it. Think Hamilton did too. :)

27. Being able to help a friend.

28. Watching my boys play on the playground.

29. Got to see an ultrasound of the baby with JUST Alex. Cannot believe this actually worked out...his work and finding babysitting created about a 10% chance this would happen. We could see her little face SO well! Chubby cheeks. We just cannot wait to meet her!

30. Doing errands with just one kid.  It's pretty amazing what you can get done and how little yelling you do. :)

Gratitude: Part 2

Day 9: On Fridays, Beckett and I have a "Mommy and Me" class together while Hamilton is in preschool. I'm grateful for the chance to focus on little Beckett.  Without the class, I'd be taking advantage of my "one kid" status to do errands or clean or something equally forgettable and unimportant compared to being just Beckett's mommy. He forgoes crafting in favor of playing with toys.  Fine by me, but Miss Joan might not love it :).  It's also pretty cool to have a kid actually participate in "snack time." Cutie Becks is usually late to singing time because he's still eating. :) Love this sweetie.

Day 10: I'm grateful for my calling in our ward.  Today was our annual "Craft Day." I am generally stressed and overwhelmed...and this year have pronounced to many that it is my last "Craft Day" to be in charge of.  That said, being in the Relief Society presidency has allowed me to get to know more amazing sisters in our ward and become more quick to think of others than myself.

Day 11: What other church has (essentially) free two-hour daycare? And that particular daycare teaches your kids songs and the first lessons of the Gospel? And then you are thus allowed to hear your own lessons, get your own reminders about how you should be living your life?  Sundays are stressful in many ways (his calling and choir keep Alex at church from 9:15-5:00), but I wouldn't trade them in for just a run-of-the-mill weekend day.

Day 12: A woman in the ward who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2-3 years ago passed away today. Far too young, only in her sixties.  I had already begun getting to know her better through various church activities, but this diagnosis made me feel even more a connection with her and her family.  Empathy.  I'm grateful she got to live so fully and actively post-diagnosis. A true example. I'm grateful that she and I could speak candidly about test results and "living by the numbers." I'm grateful that she got to see a daughter get married and see grandbabies born.  What makes this world mortal and hard is difficult to be grateful for.  "Unfair" doesn't even quite cover it.  But I guess I'm grateful that somehow my faith in the Gospel prevents me from being too angry too often.  And I know that when I am feeling more negative, it usually means I am drifting farther from the spirit than I should, which actually brings me to Day 13....


Day 13: I'm grateful for temple recommend interviews.  These interviews only happen every two years now, but I appreciate the opportunity to answer direct questions about my testimony and obedience.  As I drove to the stake center this night, I was feeling the exact opposite of spiritual.  I think the combination of a friend passing away and being pregnant made me start getting a little angry about this whole mortality business.  I don't often feel this way, but I'm occasionally overwhelmed by how unfair it is not to have a mom here.  I'm not one for close female friendships, so there's no one to call when I'm happy or frustrated...no one to really love my babies like I know my mom would.  My dad only partly belongs to his own kids nowadays, so there's that loss as well.  And because Alex never met my mom, I feel like he doesn't recognize or understand the loss.  How could he? That empty spot has always been there...how can I fully explain how BIG that emptiness is? How much I..and my whole little family...is missing without her here?  I realize this is very selfish thinking, and I should be more grateful that my mom was so totally amazing and that I got her as long as I did. 

After I parked the car, I sat there for a moment...telling myself not to start crying and not to be so angry.  I also began wondering if I could really answer all the questions in the affirmative.

However, once I was inside and hearing the questions, I, of course, had no answers to give other than the ones that would renew my temple recommend.  Because even though so much of this life is hard and I have questions and problems...I do have faith in this Gospel and in the Church.  I left the building with so much of my anger dissipated and feeling so much lighter.

Day 14:  Right now I'm working on putting together a book filled with photos and memories of Alan.  I'm thinking mostly of my boys (and Alan's other nieces and nephews) as I do this, wanting them to have something concrete to turn to when they're wondering about who Uncle Alan is.  I'm grateful that as I'm compiling it, I am learning more about who he is.  It's a mixed blessing, as I am, of course, also reminded what we're missing and how young he was. 

***The next days will be more positive...I promise!***