The Final Gratitude Entry

Yes, this should have been written on Thanksgiving Day. However, I thought it would be kind of rude to say, "Hey, family! It's been great, but I've got to go blog for a bit!" Plus, my father-in-law's internet connection is so sloooooow.

The extra days have also given me a chance to think about what I would write about. I admit I was hoping for some magical Thanksgiving moment, but the truth is, I spent the majority of the actual dinner trying to get Beckett to go down for a nap. I, thus, ate my meal over a two hour period, totally paranoid that people thought I was on my fourth helping (I wasn't---one plate only, thank you very much).

I did get to give out family pictures and our Disneyland reunion DVD, so that was nice. I also got to see tons of family, since there were 30+ people at Alex's dad's house. And, of course, there was food and food and food. Personally, I might have been most stoked about the green bean casserole, which is not terribly cool in the culinary world, but I love it anyway and never make it. Hamilton got to experience the benefits of a big family gathering: slipping away to play wii with the big kids despite the normally strict video game rules at home.

I'm grateful for all the above, but I'm not "feeling" any of them for my final entry.

What I keep coming back to, though, is being grateful for my actual gratitude journal this month. I'm glad I got to spend a moment reflecting and writing about a blessing from my day. I think it made me a happier person. And, with many entries mommy-related, I was a better mom this month too, choosing silly time with the boys over something practical or not reacting so angrily to a misbehavior.

So, I guess this final entry is....

Today I'm grateful for . . . gratitude.

Gratitude: Day 23

Today I'm grateful for . . . better pre-trip planning and Disneyland.

Yep, that's right...I get to do a Disneyland post! Hooray!

Let's start with the "better trip planning" bit, though. Typically, I am running around until the last minute, stressed and sweating, to get ready for a trip...despite efforts to avoid this, especially as it begins our trips on such a bad note. But I experienced the first holiday miracle of the season by managing to plan well enough (and unselfishly give up the gym today), so that I was packed, our Thanksgiving food assignments were (almost) prepared, family projects completed, house reasonably in order by 4pm today.

Which takes us to the second part of my "gratitude" of the day. Alex came home early from work, and we jumped into the car and headed to the Magic Kingdom. I'll upload pics and video, as well as write more details, later, but I'll leave this entry for now with this:

As we watched the holiday fireworks show (Alex holding Hamilton and me holding Beckett, who was holding me close, his cheek pressed against mine), I thought, my life is perfect. Just perfect. Then, when the "snow" fell down around us to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," my heart felt almost too full, love for my boys, love for Alex, love for the holidays, and gratitude for all those blessings.

I hope everyone gets a moment like this this holiday season.

Gratitude: Day 22

Today I'm grateful for . . . finishing projects.

Well, I hope that's what I can be grateful for today. I'm at the tail end of putting together a dvd of a recent Disneyland family reunion, a Blurb book Christmas present, and family photos. Last night I was up until 3:30am doing stuff. I love and hate it. Love that I can be creative and do something nice (hopefully) for someone else. Hate that it drives Alex nuts, reveals my perfectionist tendencies, and that Hamilton woke up an hour after I'd gone to bed. Bummer. Never fear...he fell asleep in time for me to get an awakened Beckett.

Ugh.

Hey! This doesn't sound like a "gratitude" entry! It does sound "real," though, right? And, please note that I'm grateful for finishing projects...extra grateful because they're kind of a pain, clearly.

I guess I'm about to finish this gratitude project as well...two more days.

Gratitude: Day 21

Today I'm grateful for . . . family photos.

I just got the cd of photos from a recent family photo shoot done by the uber talented Au's in our ward. I may not love myself in pictures, but I do love capturing my little family once a year. I have three big frames in our living room where our yearly family photos go. It will be so hard to choose this year! I also love getting family photos delivered with Christmas cards. Sidenote: online greeting cards are lame. I want my front door filled with cards and pictures from our friends and family. I'll certainly be sending out some myself.








note: For any Spjute family seeing this and wondering where your pictures are...I thought it would be more fun to surprise you with them at Thanksgiving. Plus, you'll be that much more excited to see us :). If, however, you think you can't wait that long, let me know, and I'll e-mail you a couple teasers.

Gratitude: Day 20

Today I'm grateful for . . . a bunch of random stuff.

Yeah, yeah. A cop out. Some days of this "gratitude journal" have been no-brainers. I know what I will be writing about as I'm experiencing it. Other days I have a couple options to choose from. And then there's been some days like today where I'm just seeing a slideshow of different moments from the day that I've been grateful for, but none I feel like commenting extensively about. So, here's a simple bullet point list. I mean, this is my journal, my rules, right?

• Beckett still likes to cuddle. We cuddled this morning, before naptime, after naptime, and at bedtime. Oh boy, do I love this kid.
• Managing to pull myself together for church well enough to get a few compliments. My favorite: You look too hot to be at church. Aren't my friends just the best? :) The real secret here is knee-high black boots and being late to church, so you can dry your hair.
• Being able to go to church every week and learn from speakers and teachers, as well as see and say "hi" to some of my favorite people. I learn or feel recommitted about something every week. I'm glad I have this gospel with which to pattern my life.
• The rain. I listened to it pouring outside my window as I put together a digital scrapbook. The scrapbook will eventually be something to be grateful for...right now I'm grateful to Alex for promising to never allow me to be in charge of editing one for eight contributing families.
• I allowed a sand adventure yesterday. I took Hamilton out, so we could jump in rain puddles today. Am I finally turning into a nice mommy? The best part, probably, was when Alex mentioned our puddle jumping later that night, and Hamilton smiled and raced over to give me a hug.
  
• Family Home Evening. We had it tonight because Alex will be working late tomorrow. My boys love this like crazy. Beckett even shared an "announcement" tonight. It was about baseball.
• The sound of my boys having fun together. Unfortunately, this happened for an hour after we'd put them to bed. Hearing those giggles though, we couldn't be too upset.
• Looking for a new book to read and finding a Carl Hiaasen I haven't read yet on my bookshelf. Sorry, One Hundred Years of Solitude, you'll have to wait some more. I need something fun and light.
• Alex did the dishes and started the dishwasher. Waking up tomorrow will be much nicer now.
  

Gratitude: Day 19

Today I'm grateful . . . I put aside my usual sand reticence.

Living by the beach is awesome. I've already done a "gratitude" entry about it. However, there is one aspect of the beach, which makes parents cringe: sand. Deciding to embark on a sandy adventure requires commitment and a willingness to find sand everywhere for the following four days. We do a lot of walking by the beach, but not often do we release the kids into sandy chaos. I realize this is terrible of me. Truly. "Hey, kids! There's the beach! There's the ocean!" is followed quickly by "No!! We are NOT getting in the water! We are NOT ditching our shoes and racing across the sand!" That must be torture for my boys.

Fortunately for them (and soon, me), my friend Mackenzie was briefly in charge of her 2 boys and Hamilton while her husband, Alex, and I lazily sat finishing up lunch and chatting, occasionally wondering, "Hmmm...I hope Mackenzie's ok..." We found her and the boys playing in the sand just off The Strand. This location was not to be maintained, however, because there was a giant sand dune mere yards away. Hamilton, naturally, was the first to take off...and soon disappeared over the hill. I ditched Beckett to save him. I caught up in time to stop him from reaching his clear destination: the ocean.

The boys could have spent all day on that hill: climbing up and rolling, running, falling down. I had a good time too, albeit my skirt limited some of my hill activities.


Beckett on his way back from his own ocean swim attempt:

View from the top of the hill:

Do you see those tiny green and red spots? Those are two buddies who happen to be quite independent.

And here they are staying a little closer to the parents:

And, finally, the hubby. He's smiling, but he was in kind of a bad mood: lots of work to do and foiled plans for spending the weekend at the office (power outage). I hope he had fun.
I must remember this afternoon, that a little sun and sand is good for the soul and little boys. Vacuums do exist for a reason, after all.

Gratitude: Day 18

Today I'm grateful for . . . group date night.

I was honestly planning on saying "Disneyland." I've kind of been itching for a retrospective post of our adventures there, and I knew we'd be enjoying the Magic Kingdom today (I'm trying to keep these posts related to the actual day). We did go and have lots of fun, but then my date night ended up outshining it.

The transition from Disneyland to ready-for-a-date was somewhat stressful due to a late husband and a short time frame. So, some part of me was thinking, "Forget it. Let's stay home." But, really, when you have a sitter and you know you're going to hang out with some cool people, there's really no choice.

The ten of us ended up spending our evening at The Melting Pot. It was a last minute decision that truly paid off. First off, I'm always happy to go there because it's where we had our rehearsal dinner (ahhh...romantic nostalgia). Secondly, mmmm....cheese and mmmmm...chocolate. Most importantly though, we had a private room, so we could talk and laugh freely for almost three hours. Such a good time.

Thanks, everyone, especially the Brandons who managed to organize the bunch of us to get sitters and summon the energy to enjoy a Friday night. :)

Gratitude: Day 17

Today I'm grateful for . . . Costco carts.


I'm grateful that they accommodate TWO kiddos.

I'm grateful that there are some sweet, new white ones in the mix of rusted out carts.

I am most grateful, though, that our Costco parking lot is on a slight decline from the store, so I can count "one, two, threeeeeee!" and ride the cart scooter-style to the car. I feel like I'm twelve and any shopping stress instantly disappears. I'm also grateful to my boys who always remind me to do it.

*Yes, Trish another Costco reference. I'm hoping for some advertising revenue.


BONUS: After writing this, I did something else age-defyingly awesome. I went to get Hamilton at the gym's big outside play area, but when he saw me enter, he bolted for the nearby bounce house. I full on sprinted across the tennis court-length distance, dove into the bouncey, and grabbed his feet before he was up and bouncing. Even the child care dude was impressed. Hamilton then made me do it again three times. I guess he was pretty impressed as well.

Gratitude: Day 16

Today I'm grateful for . . . parks.





When Alex and I bought our place, we weren't married yet, and we didn't have kids. So, we said things like, "It's ok that it's a small kitchen...we don't cook much" and "Cool step-down living room" and "I like two-stories" and "Yea! No backyard means no yard work!" Now with two kids, I'm thinking differently. Fortunately, we live in a place that basically lacks seasons, so we can play outside almost all year.

Today we got to have fun at two parks. In the morning we joined some friends at a park that overlooks the ocean. You can hear the crashing waves. Seriously. After our friends left, Hamilton was stuck playing with me, so we did some tree climbing and chasing. Beckett mostly loved playing soccer.

We had the afternoon open, so we walked to another park to take advantage of the last hour of daylight. Chasing and soccer were once again on the menu. I made a concentrated effort to not be distracted by my phone and discovered that my kids are way more fun than anything the iPhone offers. Sorry, Steve.

Hooray for parks!

Gratitude: Day 15

Today I'm grateful for . . . a good evening.



Ask any mom, and she'll tell you that the hardest time of day is from about 4-bedtime. My aunt says in Germany, it's known as "wolf's hour." So, the long march to "light's out" seems to be universal. Alex generally gets a call or text from me around 5:30 or 6:00 politely inquiring, "So, when do you expect to get home? Love you!" The subtext, of course, is "Oh my gosh! How much longer do I need to hold on?! When are the relief troops coming?! ARGH!!!!!"

Since the parenting class on Saturday and a deeper realization that these little boy years are fleeting, I've been trying to enjoy our moments together more (and yell less). It's kind of working. :)

We hit the gym from 3:30-4:30, where I enjoyed a nice tempo run and the boys played. When we got home, Beckett shot some hoops outside and Hamilton played inside and helped me with dinner. Whenever he asks, "Can I help make it?" I want to say "no" because it's more work, and I've got some kitchen control issues. Tonight I said "yes," and he was thrilled. The menu? Crepes, eggs, and strawberries. We're very continental around here. The boys ate their dinner right up, which happens less regularly than I'd like.

From there, we did some vacuuming. I even patiently let Hamilton tackle the living room rug. The vacuum fun soon wore off, and the boys went about playing on their own until I finished.

Next: bathtime!!

A lot of times during bathtime, I have my phone or a book out. Today I purposely just sat and enjoyed them. At one point Hamilton had a long narrative-driven playtime with some turtles while Beckett periodically threw a squishy sting ray at him. Hamilton ignored it or laughed it off. Beckett was laughing hysterically. Boys getting along and loving each other!! Is there anything better?

Storytime at one point devolved into some wrestling and tickling thanks to a wound-up Beckett who kept pouncing on us. Beckett's good mood disappeared, as it always does these days, with his placement in the crib. Hamilton directed me in some singing, which, sadly, didn't help much. I lay by Hamilton to tell him a story, both of us ignoring the screaming Beckett. Once I finished, however, Hamilton informed me, "Mom, Beckett's crying. Go." :)

By the time I finished writing this entry, the crying had stopped. Whew.

Looking back on this entry, it seems kind of boring. It also skips the part where I yelled at Hamilton, but it was for messing with an electrical outlet, so not such terrible parenting. I guess I just wanted to capture this nice night together. To remember it for itself. But to also remember it, so in the future I will take a little extra time, be a little more patient, be a little less controlling, and thus have a much better night.

Twenty years from now I won't remember what project I was trying to work on or book I was trying to finish. I will, however, be treasuring every memory of time with my boys as they grew up.

Gratitude: Day 14

Today I'm grateful for . . . our informal Thanksgiving 2010 Spjute family photo shoot:


Last Thanksgiving all the siblings and spouses were in town for Thanksgiving, which was unexpected and wonderful. Adrienne lives in VA, and her husband is in the military; they surprised us by being in town. It was so fun to get to see her pregnant with her first baby. And look how cute the little guys are.

Yesterday, Alex's dad e-mailed asking for copies of this photo shoot from everyone's different cameras. The reason he was trying to find the best shot was because this is the last whole family picture we'll ever have.

You might be thinking that it's too bad that there's that crazy cow in the foreground, kind of messing up the shot. I'm not thinking that though. This cow is one of Hamilton's favorite things at Grandpa Kent's house. You press its hand and it starts dancing and singing a "do-wop" love song. For some reason, that darn cow kept going off during our photo shoot. It was making us laugh so hard, so what we really looked like that day was more like this:



I am grateful that we took the time to take this picture. I am grateful that the memory of taking it is full of laughter.

Gratitude: Day 13

Today, I'm grateful for . . . this guy:


This morning Hamilton participated in his very first "Primary Program." He wrote his part himself by completing a sentence, "I can follow Jesus' example by . . . not hitting my brother and by being bath-tized." I could never convince him that it was actually baptized, but, considering what's involved, I can understand his maintaining his particular pronunciation. He insisted on wearing a tie, so when I saw his curly little head appear, he was looking extra cute. After his failing to sing for Mother's Day and Father's Day, I kind of had my doubts. And by "doubts," I mean "fears" because I really, really wanted to see him up there singing and saying his part. He began the program super excited, his little face looking for us in the crowd, then, upon finding us, giving a big wave. We could see him slowly losing his enthusiasm, and with 15 minutes left, his eyes started getting more teary, and he came down to sit with us.

He is the very littlest guy in Primary. He is a Sunbeam this year by the grace of two days. Generally, he's done well. At least the people Primary enjoy him and telling me funny stories about him, like saying to the music leader, "Hi, Steve. How's it going?" Or volunteering to sing solos.

People ask us, "So, where does he get this big personality and confidence." My guess is his great grandmother who had to wait through a couple generations of shy, introverts before a similarly gregarious Snyder appeared.

People also comment, "Wow. You have your hands full."

This makes me feel validated: Ok, so it's understandable why I sometimes develop eye twitches? It also makes me feel a little bad. He IS a handful, but there are a lot good things that come with that. I wouldn't change him for anything.

Maybe it's easier for me to see that today because I've been able to watch him from a distance, rather than the face-to-face trench warfare we're usually undertaking.

• I saw him looking simultaneously little and big up on the stand at church. I felt like I was getting strapped into a roller coaster, where you know the ride is about to take off and you have just seconds to hold on and get ready. We'll be hurtling through Hamilton's growing up and, before we know it, we'll be stopping at high school graduation. I need to cherish this time more than I do.
• I watched Hamilton play with Travis all afternoon, sometimes while Travis was actually sleeping. Trav tickled him and Beckett, chasing them around the house. Hamilton curled up beside T on the couch while football was on. Hamilton later sang a Travis version of our comfort/lullaby song for Beckett. Hamilton talked to him about hair, beards, and his boys. It's so wonderful to see how much they like each other.
  
• I saw Beckett clasp his hands in excitement when Hamilton entered the room: "Mommie!" (That's how he says "Hamilton.") He's certainly not perfect, but he's a good enough big brother to have Beckett wrapped around his finger. :)
  

By the time bedtime came, I'd had a long break from direct parenting, having enjoyed the day cooking and baking in the kitchen. So, I was able to go through the bedtime routine with more patience and more appreciation of our time together.

Hamilton will be four next month. Four. Unbelievable. I am at once excited and sad. Excited to see what the future holds for him and sad to see my three-year-old dude disappear.

I love, love, love that boy.

Gratitude: Day 12

Today I'm grateful for . . . a Saturday so full, I didn't have time to blog! :)

1. The boys woke up before 6am. Misery. Alex took the bullet though and let me sleep in until 8. Yea!
2. Went for a nice run. It felt good to be on one of my old routes. My legs felt stronger on the hills than I expected, which was a welcome surprise. My iPod, the fresh air, view of the ocean, endorphins, and time to myself made me feel like a new woman.
3. Bagel and lox. Yum.
4. A few little chores to make me feel productive.
   
5. Free babysitting while Alex and I attended a parenting class.
6. I left the class resolved to improve the yelling around here and to take the time to manage my boys according to their little personalities. A few extra seconds taken for this = happy mommy-son relationship. Oh, but it's hard... :)
7. McDonald's kindly provides dinner for the boys.
8. Alex and I go to dinner/marriage class/dance (church-sponsored weekend of these classes). We enjoyed sitting with a great group of people from a ward, a combination we wouldn't experience if not for this dinner. It was nice to visit without the distraction of kids.
9. The marriage presentation offered fewer practical tips and discussion than I'd hoped, but I like that Alex and I set aside an evening that would focus on improving and strengthening our relationship. That's important.
   
10. We danced!
11. Grabbing a slice of pie and ice cream. It was unfortunate that the calorie count was printed on the menu, but we pressed forward nonetheless.
    
12. Grocery shopping together with no kids! Amazing.
13. Surprise visit from my brother. :)
    

Gratitude: Day 11

Today I'm grateful for . . . perspective.

Today's entry threatened to be a negative one. It's been a day. And it's not even 1 yet. Nothing too crazy...just little things adding up for a tired mommy. The boys were up too early. I failed to make a Kid's Club appointment at the gym, which means no "keep me sane" endorphins and no "ahhhh....alone" time. Hamilton pushed my buttons, as usual, such as...

Hamilton: "Ahhh! Get in the curtains!"
Me: "Hamilton! No, you stay out of those curtains." Note: said curtains are a beloved splurge from Anthropologie, so it's a pretty serious rule. :)
Hamilton: "Ok."
As I walk into the bathroom...
Hamilton: "Quick! Beckett! Get in the curtains!"

Finding them trying to ride our vacuuming Roomba was another highlight. When an eye twitch began the emerge, I piled us all in the car to head to the park. Not enough "ya-ya's" were released there, however, because when we returned Hamilton filled a glass with water, dumped it all over the wood floor, and began splashing in it, inviting Beckett, of course, to join in. Where was I? Dealing with some obnoxious, hard-to-understand telemarketer. I totally lost my temper and tossed Hamilton on the stairs to get him away from the large puddle. He, naturally, got hurt, so I was now mad and guilt-ridden.

My original idea for today's entry was "I'm grateful...that not everyday is like today." And, I guess that's still true :). However, I calmed myself down by taking a big step back to see a broader picture of today and came up with the following items to be grateful for:

• a gym membership with daycare
• continuing the Snyder tradition of "dreaded scissors"
• how cute Beckett is in footie jammies
• a robot vacuum (how lazy are we? Alex's purchase, by the way)
• despite the forecast, it didn't rain, so we could escape to the park
• Hamilton still loves his blankies (they're his newborn receiving blankets)
• Hamilton's great memory and attention. Last night at "Mommy and Me," the teacher talked about splashing in puddles, expecting today to be a rainy day. Hamilton simply improvised.
• It's Friday, and Alex and I have two "dates" scheduled for tomorrow.
• Hamilton likes to include Beckett.
  
• I have a blog to vent on.
• Hamilton shutting me out of the gated play area at the park, "Boys only!" Hilarious.
  
• I get to take dinner to another family, friends from "Mommy and Me," tonight. The boy Hamilton's age is in the middle of cancer treatments.
• my healthy kids

Ah, I feel better. Moments are still challenging. Hamilton can still be infuriating. I can still be tired. It's all hard, but I'm grateful for the times I take a moment to breathe and take a step back, putting it all into enough perspective to press forward and hope for better days.

postscript and promise of a better afternoon: When a sad Beckett woke up early from his nap, Hamilton said, "I can follow Jesus' example," and handed Beckett one of his own precious blankies.

Gratitude: Day 10

Today I'm grateful that...I get to be the "Tickle Monster."

I remember as a young kid when a friend tickled me. I kind of pretended to laugh, but the tickle attempt was unsuccessful. I realized that not just anyone can tickle anybody. My brother Travis could just gesture at my neck, and I'd be a goner. My parents also had the skill. Alex was once able to be tickled, but, after some diligent self-training, made himself immune to it to protect himself against his siblings. This kind of bums me out. I'm definitely not into adult tickling (weird), but it really should be possible for me to poke his exposed armpit and get a reaction. Ah, well.

And that random introduction brings me to my boys. Before you have kids, you don't know really who will have what "jobs." For example, I never imagined I'd be the "nail clipper," but I am. During the newborn stage, Alex is the diaper and bath guy. The unexpected role I love having is "Tickle Monster." I relish this especially because their daddy usually gets to be the fun one. But no one can get those boys laughing like their mama. Now that they're older they come to me saying, "Chase us! Chase us!" I usually fake them out with a "Oh, I'm too busy," before pouncing. Then, they run away, crying, "Hide! Hide!" Generally, I find them under Hamilton's covers, and the tickling commences. I also enjoy asking them to show me where something is, like, "Oh no. I can't find the ceiling. Can you help me?" They point up, the armpit's exposed, and mission accomplished.

Today we were in a longer line at Costco, so we were playing a game together, one that ended with a couple of neck squeezes. All three of us were laughing and having a great time. And, yes, this was in line at Costco.

It made me think how easy it really is to be happy with them, if I take a time-out from practical concerns, like be a "Tickle Monster," rather than a "list checker." When I have Hamilton and Beckett laughing, I'm not mad, I'm not stressed. Instead, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Now please enjoy some tickle flashbacks:

Gratitude: Day 9

Today I'm grateful for...new babies.

How often is it that two friends give birth within 24 hours? I'd speculate it's not often. Well, it's happened around here, and I'm pretty excited.

Births happen everyday, everywhere, but they remain miraculous, not commonplace. We are very lucky to live in a place and time where pregnancy and labor & delivery are not as dangerous. Hamilton had to enter this world via c-section, so I've personally counted my blessings on that note.

When I think about my friends' new babies, I also think how thankful I am for good, strong families. It's so easy to get discouraged looking at the world and what and whom your children will be around. It's a small example, but today at the science museum, a thirteen-year-old girl nudged Hamilton out of his turn for an exhibit. Really?! Is this generation just a bunch of rude, undisciplined, unmotivated pot-smokers?

But then I remember people like Trish and Steph who are such good mommy examples to me. They each already have a couple of great kids. Thank goodness they've added some more to a group this world really needs, a group that is kind and polite and that has goals, direction, and support at home.

Congratulations Trish and Steph! And welcome to this crazy world, Baby Aspen and Baby Jack! We needed you! :)

Gratitude: Day 8

Today I'm grateful for...modern medicine.

People under 60 aren't supposed to get colon cancer. That's why most insurance companies won't start covering colonoscopies until you're 50. So, when a close relative (like a parent or sibling) is diagnosed earlier, it's something you need to pay attention to. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon-liver cancer at 45 and died at age 47. With that knowledge (and my husband's reading a pertinent article), I knew I needed to at least go in and talk with a GI doctor. Thanks to a friend's recommendation, I saw a great doctor. I was nervous that he'd laugh me out of the office and accuse me of having some sort of weird fetish. He didn't. Instead I learned that the standard recommendation for a diagnostic colonoscopy for "high risk individuals" (that's me!) is ten years prior to their relative's cancer diagnosis. That was also me. Aside: If you, dear reader, have had a close relative with cancer, please research the recommendations for you.

We want to have another baby in the near future, and I want to live far into the future, so it only made sense that I follow through on this. As un-stoked as I was about the prospect of being scoped, I was more determined not to have my family go through this colon cancer business twice.

My appointment was this afternoon. The nurse asked me if I was nervous, and I laughed, "Um. Seriously? Yes!" What had me most worked up was the drugs they'd give me. Some sort of craziness that keeps you awake with the discomfort dulled, then a chaser of something to make you forget. I was becoming obsessed with this idea that I'd experience something I'd never remember. As the prep began, I thought, "I'm feeling this IV needle hurt getting inserted. Will I remember this? Or is this the one moment I will experience it?" It seemed even stranger to imagine the actual procedure. What if it was traumatic and I had to suffer through it...and then not remember. It's not that I wanted to remember something awful...it just all gave me Inception creeps, for lack of a better term. Anyhoo...I soon met my anesthesiologist who informed me that I'd be totally out. YES! Man, between epidurals and this news, I am a big, big fan of these doctors.

The even better news, of course, is that my colon looked great. No polyps or anything. I'm so relieved. And so glad I know this is true. I'm also hoping I'm setting a good example for my brothers. As noted in a previous entry, I am terribly fond of them and would like to keep them around for a long, long time.

Final notes:

• The anesthesiologist used "propofol," which, if you've been remotely attuned the news lately, is kind of a celebrity. FYI: my doctor stayed with me.
  
• I lost 3 pounds in 36 hours. Don't ask questions, just be happy for me. :)

Gratitude: Day 7

Today I'm grateful for...my working husband.



As I was driving back home this afternoon, I began thinking about what I'd write my post about today. I thought about "running," as I'd just come from the gym, but I wasn't truly feeling grateful for it (maybe after a non-treadmill day). How about the cute things that Hamilton says? This morning, after he said good-bye to Alex, he went into the living room where I heard him say to himself, "I love Daddy so much." Hamilton later explained to me, "I really love him, Mommy." Heart-melter, right? With this story fresh in my mind, though, I thought about how Alex leaves every morning to go to work.

I often take this fact for granted. I'm lucky to have a husband who has a good job, making it possible for me to stay home with the kids, have a nice house, and do fun activities. Alex isn't loving his job right now. He's kind of at a crossroads career-wise, and he's trying to figure it out. I'm grateful that two of the biggest factors in his decision-making process are 1. being able to provide well for us and 2. still being able to have time for the boys.

When Alex gets home from "attorney work," it's straight to "daddy work" with no break in between (I don't count LA traffic as a break, do you?). The boys, of course, go crazy when they see him and enjoy the subsequent bedtime routine they have together. The other week when Alex had to work late, I got the boys jammied and was about to read them a story, when Beckett wanders over to the stairs, "Dada? Dada?" They know how it's supposed to work.

I definitely do not acknowledge all Alex does for us enough, nor do I say "thank you" as often as I should. Hamilton, Beckett, and I are so lucky to have someone who takes such good care of us, in tangible and intangible ways. I'm with Hamilton, I really do love him.

Gratitude: Day 6

Today I'm grateful for...washing machines and dryers.

Wait. What?! Yeah, that was kind of unpredictable. Let me explain, and I'll bet you'll be more thankful for those poor, under appreciated machines usually stuck in a closet or windowless room. My explanation begins with a confession...

I can get a little obsessed by projects. These projects, naturally, are not in the "housewife" category. Last week I began working on a movie documenting a recent family reunion at Disneyland. I often talk about how easy iMovie makes it, and it does, but it is pretty time consuming, especially if you happen to have slight perfectionist tendencies. Consequently, naptimes and my Saturday evening (and by "evening," I mean, 10:30pm-1:30am) were spent at the computer, rather than doing my long list of chores. The movie is done, thank goodness (so says Alex), so I'm back. Whew! In preparation for my renewed efforts to thoroughly check-off my "to do's," I just threw a big load of laundry in for the boys. I complain about never being caught up with laundry, but isn't it kind of amazing that a machine is doing all the hard work to play catch up while I sit in here and blog? Wow.

I really appreciated my washing machine when Beckett was a baby pre-pyloric stenosis diagnosis. Thanks to his spitting up everything, I was doing a full load of wash everyday (we were using bath towels as burp clothes, after all)...and that was in addition to regular laundry. Then, of course, there's the regular sick kid throw up and potty accidents. (Sidenote: Only six days in, and I've already talked about vomit twice.) And guess who takes care of the dirtiest work involved? My dear, sweet washing machine.

Right now I'm reading Bill Bryson's At Home, which is quite enjoyable and full of such interesting historical facts and stories related to "home." Early in the book, he writes about doing laundry in 1800's:

Because there were no detergents before the 1850s, most laundry loads had to be soaked in soapy water or lye for hours, then pounded and scrubbed with vigor, boiled for an hour or more, rinsed repeatedly, wrung out by hand or (after 1850) fed through a roller, and carried outside to be draped over a hedge or spread on a lawn to dry. . . . Altogether . . . a straightforward load--one involving sheets and other household linens, say--was likely to incorporate at least eight separate processes. But many loads were far from straightforward. Difficult or delicate fabrics had to be treated with the greatest care, and items of clothing made of different types of fabric--of velvet and lace, say--often had to be carefully taken apart, washed separately, and then sewn back together.

Because most dyes were impermanent and finicky, it was necessary to add precise doses of chemical compounds to the water of every load either to preserve the color or restore it: alum and vinegar for greens, baking soda for purples, oil of vitriol for reds. . . . On laundry day it was often necessary for somebody to get up as early as three in the morning to get the hot water going.

Worse detail than a horror novel, right? My eyes got bigger and bigger as I snuggled close to my fresh sheets while reading that chapter. To finally get to sleep, I had to reassure myself that I would have had servants had I lived back then.

So, was I right? Did I convince you to be grateful for your washing machine and dryer, even as they remain part of our sisyphusian task of laundry? I'm convinced. I'm also convinced that the boys' insisting on playing in the sheets I'm trying to fold or knocking down a folded basket of clothes is not quite the my-life-is-so-hard situation I once thought it was.

Now go hug those machines and tell them "thanks!" Or at least give that lint catcher a more thorough cleaning than usual.

Gratitude: Day 5

Today I'm grateful for...temples.

The temple is on my mind today because this weekend is the annual stake Relief Society temple weekend. Wait. Let me pause for a moment. If you've stumbled onto my blog and feel like I'm speaking another language, please go here, where you can find out more about the temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Now back to our story...

This morning I attended a session with at least 100 women from my stake. How amazing to see so many different women prioritizing their religion on a Saturday morning. Although you're not conversing with everyone, you still feel a kinship with everyone there. I'm proud to be part of this amazing group.

I'm always grateful I've taken the time to attend the temple. It is such a quiet, peaceful place. Sitting in the Celestial Room, I thought of how the LA temple was the beginning of my family, where my parents were sealed, making us a family forever. It's also where my brother and his wife began theirs. The eternal nature of our beings seems more real here than anywhere else.

A few months ago my dad let me take my mom's temple bag home with me:


As you can see, it wasn't just for sentimental reasons; it's totally 70's fabulous. I didn't, however, transfer my stuff over until this morning. Before I left the temple, I checked the front pocket to make sure I hadn't forgotten my recommend and discovered an envelope of treasures. My mom had kept little family history notes in there, along with her temple recommend. What had me tearing up though was this:


Holding this paper, I felt so close to that twenty-one year old Lu Ann who was so excited to be "married immediately" to that boy who teased her in seminary. I also felt a new connection with my mom because guess what I've kept in my own temple bag for five and a half years?


I can't really describe how wonderful it is to have a sort of conversation with someone you thought you'd never be able to again. It seems only fitting that this should happen within the context of the temple, which makes it possible for us to have long conversations together in the eternities.

Gratitude: Day 4

Today I'm grateful for....my brothers.


With these gratitude days, I was actually trying to stay away from the "big" items and focus on the smaller, everyday ones. But after a few entertaining Facebook exchanges with them yesterday and seeing these photos, I can't think of anything I'd rather write about today.

For Christmas last year, Alex gave me "24 hours kid-free." He generously agreed to extend the time period, so I flew solo (that was amazing, just amazing) to Utah to spend the weekend with my bros. It was so nice to be "Katie the sister" for a couple days. We went and saw the last Harry Potter movie together, just the three of us. My mom was the one who introduced us to the book series when she gave Jack the first two books for his birthday. We've devoured each subsequent book as a family. (Jack, though, wins the prize for finishing each one first.) It felt right watching the last movie together, we who, like Harry, were missing a red-headed mommy who loved us so much.

I think there's a special bond between siblings no matter what, the shared experience of childhood, of belonging to that first family. The shared experience of loss, I believe, makes us even more important to each other. Who else in the world can know how feel better than each other? When my mom was given just a few weeks to live, I had to go and talk to my teachers about how to finish out the semester. One of my poli sci professor's first questions was "do you have any brothers or sisters? Good. I didn't. You'll need them." And I do. I really do.

Travis can make me laugh easier and harder than almost anyone. He totally abused this though when I was post-c-section in the hospital. He just couldn't resist the challenge, "Please, whatever you do, don't make me laugh. My staples are killing me." Clearly, little brothers are always little brothers. Travis is a great father and entrepreneur. When I look at who he is and what he has accomplished, I'm just so proud. When I reflect on what a support he's been to me over the years, including being my best "girl friend" in the single days, I'm so, so grateful.

Jackson, who is 12 years younger than I, was such a fun little kid: glasses, an incredibly precocious vocabulary, and mature interests, like ancient Egypt, I Love Lucy, knights, and books and books. It is hard for me to comprehend his being a history TA at BYU. How do they let a baby do that?? But he's not a baby anymore, I guess. Nor is he mono-lingual. Smarty pants. :) So proud and happy to see him pursuing his mama's passion, history. I love when our normal phone-eschewing selves find ourselves in the middle of a long conversation. I hope that now that we're both official "adults," we can become even closer. I think he's pretty great. :)

I occasionally muse, "Oh, I wish I had a sister," but then I'd have to share these guys with her:


Never! I'll happily keep them all to myself.

Gratitude: Day 3

Today I'm grateful for...living near the beach.

I joke that when anyone is feeling down about the cost of living, they just need to take a walk on the Strand. It usually works (if you try not to covet the $12+ million homes you pass). I'm not great about going to the beach and doing the whole swimming thing---I need to be--, but I do get to see the ocean about once a day. My gym overlooks the harbor, so as I'm running on a treadmill, I can easily pretend I'm outside as the sea air blows through the open windows. As a family, we try and go for a walk on Sunday evenings. Alex pays the mortgage, so this is important. :)

Yesterday, because of Beckett being sick and tired, we spent the majority of the day stuck at home. Yuck. Everyone was going crazy. We were finally able to escape around 5 and, rather than complete some productive errands, headed to the Strand. The fresh air, crashing waves, and sunset made me feel sane and peaceful for the first time all day. For Beckett, it was the fresh air and doggies. Hamilton got to run, watch the surfers ("Aren't they so cool, Mommy!"), and eat a snack.

We are so, so lucky to live here.

Gratitude: Day 2

Today I am grateful for...maternal instincts.

I didn't actually think I had those. I was never one of those girls that loved to hold babies. I just wasn't interested or comfortable. That changed a bit with the birth of my first nephew, Luke Asa Snyder. With that cute baby, I felt I'd be happy holding him forever. While I'm still not the first person to grab a baby to snuggle, there is an unmistakable draw when they're "mine," whether a relative or a cutie pie also named Kate.

The "maternal instincts" I've been even more surprised by are those that make it possible to deal with the less cuddly chores of motherhood. When I was a young teenager, I woke up suddenly in the night and promptly vomited over the side of my bed. What's notable here is, in that moment, I thought, "It's ok. My mom will clean it up." Now I'm the mom. The first time Hamilton threw up on me, I just patted him on the back and said, "It's okay. Just let it all come out." Such a reaction is madness, especially considering how traumatized I am by any nauseous feelings in myself.

Vomit, indeed, is what prompted today's gratitude choice. Beckett's had a couple rough nights; last night was the worse. He couldn't bear being put down and had such a hard time going to sleep. He and I hung out until 3am or so, when I decided to try to put us down in the guest room. Before that could happen, I correctly interpreted a couple coughs and made a miraculous dash to the bathroom before little Becks threw up. He very much enjoyed the resulting bath...I mean, who doesn't like a 3:30am soak? His peaceful, happy self disappeared as I took him out though, but I managed to sing my just-wearing-a-diaper sweetheart to sleep. As I lay with him cuddled in my arm, I thought, "Only a mom would do this: staying up with a sick kid without being frustrated with him, still finding bath time adorable at an ungodly hour, and risking a truly awful wake-up to ensure that boy gets his sleep."

I wish, of course, that these maternal instincts would prevent me from doing all the "bad mom" stuff like yelling and losing patience. But today I'm going to focus on the instincts that keep my boys feeling safe and loved even when they're sick and sad.

A Month of Thanksgiving

I used to not be too much of a Thanksgiving fan. Maybe because I think turkey is dry or maybe because I didn't grow up with big family gatherings. In any case, my attitude changed when I had Thanksgiving while living in Germany with my aunt. My aunt loves the holiday...from preparing the big meal to the absence of commercialization. I came to agree, especially as I felt more nostalgic for home and my family. One of my favorite parts of the holiday is when everyone at the Thanksgiving dinner table goes around and says what they're grateful for.

In that vein, I decided to give myself an assignment for November: write about something I'm grateful for each day leading up to Thanksgiving and send out a thank you note to someone once a week. Hamilton may spend the month in Halloween mourning, but I think it's going to be great for me :).

So, here's today....

Today I'm grateful for my "mommy friends." Becoming a stay-at-home mom after Hamilton's birth was really hard for me. I'd spent 13+ years being independent at school and in a career and suddenly I was stuck at home, discovering I no longer had friends and felt like an unproductive member of society.

Three and a half years later, I feel part of a new group of friends, other mommies. I am so lucky that Hamilton's great friends have great parents. I really appreciate that Hamilton has buddies to play with and learn from. And at the same time, I have people with which to laugh, complain, learn, and commiserate. Some of my friends are from "Mommy and Me" classes, others from church, and some are old friends-turned-mommies with whom technology is kind enough to keep me connected. I value all of them.

To illustrate, by lunch today I'd received the following good deeds: free Huntington Garden tickets, an invitation for a Strand walk, a promise to watch my kids on two separate occasions, and simply cute pics of the kiddos on Facebook.

Holding infant Hamilton while I seethed with envy as Alex explained, "Sorry I'm late. A few of us just got to talking...," I wondered if my life would ever feel full and not lonely.

Well, guess what? It does.