After the first few months of staying home with my new baby Hamilton, I began to notice that a lot of what identified me as "me" was gone. No more teaching, no more colleagues, only some coaching, rarely reading, and the only conversation was with a newborn. Even knowing that staying home was what I wanted to do, I still had hard moments. But those moments became fewer as Hamilton grew older, and we established new routines together, made different friends. So, I was quite surprised when I began feeling those same "who am I?" pangs this week.
In an un-mommy related conversation with my dad the other day, he mentioned how an acquaintance of his was currently in an MFA program for creative nonfiction. Pretty much an instant feeling of jealousy hit me, as I thought, "But that's what I want to do!" This, of course, was quickly followed by the understanding that I would be doing no such thing any time soon.
Yesterday Hamilton and I headed out to the Bay League Finals for Cross-Country held at RUHS. I spotted Bob running across the field with his new co-head coach and felt that good old jealousy again: "That used to be me." And now I was sitting anonymously in the stands...not coaching, not talking to parents, not congratulating or comforting runners. I wish I could say that Hamilton's continual "Hi Mommy!" from the back seat on the way home put things into perspective and made me feel better, but it didn't. I drove home feeling out of sorts and remain so.
Contemplating writing this post on the way home from "Mommy and Me," I found myself tearing up, in confusion, sadness, and--like any good mom--guilt. Here I am living in a nice home, a nice neighborhood, driving a new car, spending my days with the cutest little boy, and expecting another one. How many people would like to be in my position? I tried talking to Alex a bit last night, but he was in a mood and only responded with, "Well, I guess you only miss your old identities because you don't like your new one." I don't think that's true. I like being a mommy. Maybe I just know I should be better at it, that my house should be in better order, that I should be doing more fun activities with Hamilton. Or maybe being a mom doesn't let you feel "accomplished," as your days only consist of small routines. Or, most likely, I've got a serious case of pregnancy hormones, which make me uncharacteristically emotional.
11 comments:
Um....pretty self-indulgent. AND you're violating a key tenant of blogging: make your life seem as sweet and magical as possible. Try writing more about your sweet ride or how happy and reassured you are when you feel the baby move.
ok. i could have hit the copy and paste key because i'm sure there isn't one mom who hasn't felt this way. being a mom is hard, and especially when you stay at home full time you do tend to lose part of yourself. i think you are right, though, it's not that you don't like your new "job" but it is a lot of change and i always felt i was sort of leaving all these things behind that i wasn't sure i was ready to leave.(but i shouldn't be selfish and feel like that, since i'm doing something greater than teaching or school or whatever it is -- i get to be a mom and i wouldn't have it any other way). anyhoo... i know how you feel, and mostly i appreciate your honesty - even if it is just caused by a good dose of prego hormones. :)
I can make you a list of the reasons you don't want to be back in the classroom if you'd both like . . . or you could visualize the 6" pile of papers to be graded that is waiting for me on my desk - but I also know that you have a lot more perspective about it than I do. And I thought blogging was about sharing - the good and the not so good times.
because this post was untitled I'd like to propose a contest for naming it. I'll start with these...
"blog truths: like it or leave it"
"pregnant hormone vent"
"i miss my bro because he is the coolest so I am complaining about other things."
ps. I am writing this from our new 27" inch monitor imac. jealous that sucka:)
pps. focus on the Tom selleck silhouette logo... doesn't it sooth you?
it does soothe me...but not quite enough to overcome the 27" jealousy I'm experiencing right now. Or the "I miss Travis!"ache that's pretty much constant.
Hurry back to CA!
It can definitely be hard going from a world where things are so easy to quantify in the day to things that you have to see the bigger picture - but you have a head start on everyone because you studied English, and like poetry, it basically comes down to your personal opinion and point of view - it doesn't matter what anyone else may think. My science brain needs a grade on the day to know that I did something right, so sometimes I make up pretend report cards to make me feel better... changing diapers = A, mealtime = B+, reading comprehension on parenting = B-, PE with the boys = A+... That's just the dork in me that always loved report card time.
But overall, I think a good dose of Disneyland and holiday goodies can help. Caramel apples...yum. Can't wait to see you guys!
PS - thanks for the shout out for bee's knees. I appreciate the complement.
Kato, I'm old and getting older, so I can tell you, to quote Ecclesiastes and Pete Seeger (covered by the Byrds) that "to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven."
Now is the time of neat yuppie rides, cool beach residence, cutest little boy in California with a sequel upcoming, and so forth.
You've always been exactly who you are. What you're doing doesn't change that in the slightest.
YOU ARE a good mommy, AND a good coach and runner and everything you were before! You are just using all your amazing talents in different ways. It is hard, and I still have bouts of "who am I?" but it will be ok. You are awesome. =)
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