Day 9: On Fridays, Beckett and I have a "Mommy and Me" class together while Hamilton is in preschool. I'm grateful for the chance to focus on little Beckett. Without the class, I'd be taking advantage of my "one kid" status to do errands or clean or something equally forgettable and unimportant compared to being just Beckett's mommy. He forgoes crafting in favor of playing with toys. Fine by me, but Miss Joan might not love it :). It's also pretty cool to have a kid actually participate in "snack time." Cutie Becks is usually late to singing time because he's still eating. :) Love this sweetie.
Day 10: I'm grateful for my calling in our ward. Today was our annual "Craft Day." I am generally stressed and overwhelmed...and this year have pronounced to many that it is my last "Craft Day" to be in charge of. That said, being in the Relief Society presidency has allowed me to get to know more amazing sisters in our ward and become more quick to think of others than myself.
Day 11: What other church has (essentially) free two-hour daycare? And that particular daycare teaches your kids songs and the first lessons of the Gospel? And then you are thus allowed to hear your own lessons, get your own reminders about how you should be living your life? Sundays are stressful in many ways (his calling and choir keep Alex at church from 9:15-5:00), but I wouldn't trade them in for just a run-of-the-mill weekend day.
Day 12: A woman in the ward who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2-3 years ago passed away today. Far too young, only in her sixties. I had already begun getting to know her better through various church activities, but this diagnosis made me feel even more a connection with her and her family. Empathy. I'm grateful she got to live so fully and actively post-diagnosis. A true example. I'm grateful that she and I could speak candidly about test results and "living by the numbers." I'm grateful that she got to see a daughter get married and see grandbabies born. What makes this world mortal and hard is difficult to be grateful for. "Unfair" doesn't even quite cover it. But I guess I'm grateful that somehow my faith in the Gospel prevents me from being too angry too often. And I know that when I am feeling more negative, it usually means I am drifting farther from the spirit than I should, which actually brings me to Day 13....
Day 13: I'm grateful for temple recommend interviews. These interviews only happen every two years now, but I appreciate the opportunity to answer direct questions about my testimony and obedience. As I drove to the stake center this night, I was feeling the exact opposite of spiritual. I think the combination of a friend passing away and being pregnant made me start getting a little angry about this whole mortality business. I don't often feel this way, but I'm occasionally overwhelmed by how unfair it is not to have a mom here. I'm not one for close female friendships, so there's no one to call when I'm happy or frustrated...no one to really love my babies like I know my mom would. My dad only partly belongs to his own kids nowadays, so there's that loss as well. And because Alex never met my mom, I feel like he doesn't recognize or understand the loss. How could he? That empty spot has always been there...how can I fully explain how BIG that emptiness is? How much I..and my whole little family...is missing without her here? I realize this is very selfish thinking, and I should be more grateful that my mom was so totally amazing and that I got her as long as I did.
After I parked the car, I sat there for a moment...telling myself not to start crying and not to be so angry. I also began wondering if I could really answer all the questions in the affirmative.
However, once I was inside and hearing the questions, I, of course, had no answers to give other than the ones that would renew my temple recommend. Because even though so much of this life is hard and I have questions and problems...I do have faith in this Gospel and in the Church. I left the building with so much of my anger dissipated and feeling so much lighter.
Day 14: Right now I'm working on putting together a book filled with photos and memories of Alan. I'm thinking mostly of my boys (and Alan's other nieces and nephews) as I do this, wanting them to have something concrete to turn to when they're wondering about who Uncle Alan is. I'm grateful that as I'm compiling it, I am learning more about who he is. It's a mixed blessing, as I am, of course, also reminded what we're missing and how young he was.
***The next days will be more positive...I promise!***
2 comments:
I was just thinking about you this morning, wondering how everything is going - thanks for the update. More thoughts, but not sure how to verbalize, so just thanks for the post, you are amazing.
No one can understand the giant hole in your life where your mom should be and you can't expect them to. It's a void that won't be filled until you reunite with her in Heaven. When you get there you'll say "Mom - I can't wait for you to meet my family." I imagine she'll respond with "But Kate, I've been watching you this whole time."
Hang in there. And if you ever need a friend, I am always here.
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